my thoughts on life and God

Thank you

2008-10-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

three sleeping boys. thank you Lord.
for baby Luke rocking soundly asleep in his swing. he'll be awake again in two hours to eat. thank you Lord that he is healthy. thank you for his first smile yesterday. It was quick and it didn't last long because he is still learning but in those 2 seconds he melted my heart and made my day. his name says it all "gift from God".

Caleb is upstairs laying on top of his bed because he likes to sleep with his animal blanket and not under the covers. with cody the camel snuggled close to his chest I tuck him in and pull his blanket up to his little chin...he gives me a wet kiss goodnight. I love kissing him on the left side of his forehead where his cowlick pushes his blonde hair back. it's the perfect place for a kiss. thank you Lord. he is pure joy to me.

Josh-my oldest son- oh thank you Lord! He's so dear to my heart. He's getting so big Lord. Thank you for his long skinny legs. Thank you for allowing me to care for him. before bed i put chapstick on his little lips because he sleeps with his mouth open and his lips get chapped. thank you Lord that I am his Mommy. He doesn't like to sleep with his animals anymore. Dory is now one of the many stuffed animals in the toy basket. But not to me...Dory fish holds a special place in my heart. i remember when Matt brought her home from Kentucky for Josh. I remember thinking "he brought home the blue Dory fish out of all the characters in Finding Nemo?" But in the heart of this little boy Dory was his fish. She became a fixture in our house. We took her on all of our trips. We spent many nights going back down the stairs after tucking Josh into bed looking to find his Dory. I remember the day he road on the lawnmower with Matt and accidentally dropped Dory. He brought Dory in to me because Matt accidentally ran over her. We sewed her back together which ended up being one of many times that we would have to sew Dory back together. i remember one of the times that I had come to the end of myself and the Lord so gently revealed to me that I was like that Dory fish. I will never forget the freedom that came to me. Lord thank you for Dory. Thank you for the little boy that cared so deeply for her, that prized his father's gift, and that is now upstairs sleeping without her. Lord, i think after this blog entry I might start sleeping with Dory.

Matt is across the world tonight. thank you Lord that he is so close to my heart and not far from my thoughts. thank you for uniting us as one. i can see him now in my thoughts. i wonder if he has scratched his arm today and how many times that he has talked about us to other people. i wonder how many times he has made the team laugh and how many times he has talked in a chinese accent. i think of the ways he must be so impressive to the people he is meeting with just like he is to me. i wonder how many times he's felt honored to be sitting where he is and how many times he's thanked you for going before him. thank you Lord for my husband. thank you.

thank you for this computer. thank you that it's been a window into his world these past few days. it's been hard to leave it. but Lord thank you. you have always been so sweet to me.

Thank you for the "Comfort & Joy" tea that I am drinking in this huge Hong Kong Starbuck's cup. I remember buying the tea after Christmas last year on sale. Lord you know that i love finding things like that. and the HK cup. I picked it to drink out of tonight for the very same reasons the boys and i have eaten noodles and pot stickers. It's because where he is and what he's doing is where and what we want to be doing as well. Thank you Lord for these desires.

Thank you for this time- it's been priceless. you Jesus are priceless to me. thank you for your love. for your gentle care. for your leading. for your shepherding. for your sovereignty. thanks for a bigger story. thank you for allowing me to be a part. thank you for your divine appointments. for the works that you planned before time. thanks for being my center. Jesus thank you.

Fun at the Beach

2006-06-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

How Cute!!!

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Happy Easter!! He has Risen!!!

2006-04-17T10:54:00.000-07:00

So Handsome!!!
The Earth Shall Declare His Glory!!

The cousins at the Frazer Eggstravaganza!!

Your Presence

2006-02-22T21:06:00.000-08:00

The search for truth and finding it in all its purity is one of the most amazing gifts that Father has given us in His Holy Spirit.
To be set free by His spoken word and to be literally changed by his revelation will forever be one of my greatest enjoyments of His presence in my life.

My bondage is his boast as He breaks the chains that have held me captive, keeping me broken, and dulled to his pursuit.
Chains are as thread to him, binding my assumed reality- but not His.
For the life this world dishes out is of no reality to those who have been called by God to live in His reality.
Any life that is found a part from Christ is actually no life at all.
For all life is found in Him.

The choices given are simple in sound but difficult in the moment of decision.

Will I live from his saving powerful presence to rescue me from any present war that has been waged on my heart.
Or will I give in and become entangled by the threads of bondage designed to keep me paralyzed from moving and having my being in Him.

In my moments of desperation, with fear and trembling, I choose to declare my dependence on You- not for what you can do for me but because in these moments I am drinking deeply of your salvation.
I am being caught up in your ever present help in my time of trouble.

Oh Lord Jesus- you are so good.

Would you boast in breaking me free from my bondage…
Would you marvel at the ways that you have set me free…
Would you delight in yourself as you woo me in my frailty…
Would you be glad to show me the goodness of who you are….
Would you be pleased to hear that you are the best thing that you have to offer…

Jesus your presence in my life means everything to me for without your presence death is my only option.

I breathe you
I glory in you
I boast in you
I delight in you

And I am forever grateful for you

My Gifts

2006-02-02T21:11:00.000-08:00

I love being their Mommy!

YOU

2006-01-25T19:41:00.000-08:00

"You are a citizen of Heaven,
a member of royalty,
a chosen person of strength,
compassion, mercy, and power.

You are a living representation of Zion,
the city of God.
All the streams of joy that are in God
flow forth from Zion.
Revelation 22:1 describes these waters as
a pure river of the water of life. It is
flowing and is clear as crystal, proceeding
from the throne of God. The throne of God
is in Zion, and this river of the water of
life is intended to flow out through You,
God's ambassador!

You have more than an annointing.
You are a river! Your annointing is
something that is living and vibrant and powerful.
This living annointing resides in you.
It is the living, vibrant essence of His
power that He has deposited in you.

There are people all around you who need you.
They need your annointing, and they need your
strength.

They need God's living, vibrant power that
lives inside of you." -Don Nori

I have been chewing on these words from a book i am reading.
They move me and they excite me.

If only we understood what it means in all it's
fullness what it means to have the Spirit of God
dwelling inside of us.

Oh Holy Spirit give us understanding that we might
declare and display your glory!

What We Feared Has Happened

2006-01-20T18:25:00.000-08:00

So last night after a long day of caring for my sick Joshie
and trying to do my best to keep Caleb away from this virus-
It happened.

3 o'clock in the morning to be exact-
not only did Caleb wake up throwing up,
but Matt did as well.

Today has been an interesting day.
3 sick babies.
With about 4 hours of sleep and 3 exhausting days
being Mommy Nurse already under my belt, I had no
idea how today was going to work.

But praise be to our Lord Jesus-
He has given me supernatural strength and energy
to care for them every step of the way.

I am boasting about this because I know that it is true.

The night before I had told Matt that I would need his
help because I was completely out.

In these circumstances that I feared- He has shown me
His strength and faithfulness TO DO IT ALL THROUGH ME.
Glory be to Him in this current trial that envelops us.

As of now- they are all sleeping.
Josh is doing much better. He is not throwing up anymore
but still has diarrhea.
Katie B. I have gone through a whole tube of Desitin!

Caleb is still running fever off and on,
does'nt have much of an appetite but thankfully is not
throwing up anymore either.

Matthew is still in and out of nausea- so hopefully the
worst has already past.

As for me I am still well, thankfully being able to care
for my family with the power that works within me- namely Christ.

I boast in you this evening Jesus- because I could not have done it without you.

I want you as my community to know that I am being changed by him.
Today he changed me. I am different today than I was yesterday.

It's amazing what brand new perspective will do.

Please continue to pray for my family.

Joshie is Sick

2006-01-18T11:51:00.000-08:00

Joshie and I have been camped out in the playroom for the past two days now. It all started night before last at 1:00 in the morning. He woke up crying because he had thrown up all over his bed. He has been throwing up now about every hour. The Doctor said that it is a highly contagious virus going around. So, Josh and I have been in the playroom while Matt and Caleb have been downstairs. Please pray for our little family that this virus would leave our house and not infect anyone else.
I love being Joshie's Mommy and even though it's not much fun being stuck in the play room- there is no other place that I would rather be than to be caring for him.

My Little Sunshine

2006-01-12T22:23:00.000-08:00

If he were not mine.....
I sure would want him to be!

Oh, How I Love Him!

2006-01-12T22:08:00.000-08:00

If this is not the most priceless picture you have ever seen, then I don't know what is!

Josh and his sweet little heart was bringing me a flower. I love it, roots and all.

Oh that we may have the same eagerness with our Lord!

Sleeping Santa

2006-01-12T22:03:00.000-08:00

Santa's Helper

2006-01-12T22:02:00.000-08:00

My Matthew

2005-11-30T00:00:00.000-08:00

From Him and through Him and to Him are all things.
To Him be the glory forever. Amen.
Romans 11:36

This sums up the heart of my husband. His life, the message that he speaks of and that he can't get enough of. It's the legacy that he will leave our children and our children's children.

I as his wife want everyone to know how honored i am to be his and to be caught up into this journey with him. He leads like no one i have ever known and i would follow him anywhere.

I cannot tell you how proud i am of him, how much i respect him and how much i cherish his life.

Jesus is so real to me through him. I understand the kindness and tenderness of Jesus in such a special way because He expresses Himself through Matt to me. He brought me 29 yellow roses last night for my birthday and then placed one on my car for when i woke up this morning. Even though he had, had an extremely long day yesturday he came home and cleaned the kitchen for me so that i could rest. And knowing that he had the weight of a 40 page paper hanging over his head he stayed home with the boys so that i could get out of the house for the morning. These are not examples of just one time happenings. This is the norm for him.

He is such a gift to me. I want to tell you that i am so crazy in love with him. i think he is not only the most amazing man i have ever met, but he is the best looking man i have ever layed my eyes on. He totally blows me away. His smile and his eyes capture me.

I could not have picked a better Father for my children. He loves his boys with all of his energy. He is so into their world. He impresses me with the ways he loves them.

He lives and breathes Jesus. He is enthralled by him and he causes others and myself to be in that same place of awe.

Matthew for your ordination on Thursday, i just want to say that i am so proud to be one with you. I will follow and support you wherever the Lord ordains for us to go and i will walk with you in the calling that he has placed before us. i will help you carry the mantle that he has placed upon your life.

For your graduation from seminary on the 6th, i want you to know that i will be the proudest wife in the chapel. I have seen your faithfulness and your perseverence. You've done it!! You have been a student for the glory of his name! I'm your biggest fan.

And last but not least, for your birthday on the 6th- i bless the day that you were born and thank God for every minute that i have been able to spend with you and for every minute that is to come. You will always be the love of my life.

So this is my public declaration of the love that i have for my husband.
He is all that and more!

Thank you Lord for my husband.

Here are some sweet pictures in honor of Matt----

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Merry Christmas!!

2005-11-29T22:04:00.001-08:00

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The Dean Family Tree

2005-11-29T21:52:00.000-08:00

So we were on the hunt for the perfect tree.

Or should i say that i was on the hunt for the perfect tree.
After a full day of shopping with the boys....tjmax, walmart and now home depot to pick out the 2005 Dean family Christmas tree- i was on my own.
2 tired and cranky babies and Matthew who had a stomach ache. we decied that it would be best for more to go check out the situation. So with everyone in the car i ran in to scout out the premises. Would this be the place where our little tree would be hiding.

So you have the different sections- $169.00, $150.00, $100.00, $50.00, $20.00- You get the idea.
So i head straight for the $20 buck section because i figure you can do alot with a tree to make it just how you want it- no need to spend the extra money that could go for a present.
Anyway there she is standing right before my eyes. The Dean family tree!!!
So within 5 minutes i had picked out the most beautiful tree in the $20.00 section.

We were so proud driving down the interstate with the tree on top of the suburban and the family in the car. Everyone knew that we were on a mission. A mission to make Christmas memories and to decorate for the holiday season. Yes this was going to be a tree decorating memory for sure. Sounds like the Griswolds!

So we get home, unpack our tree, trim her to perfection. We're loving the process, were encouraging each other- "wow, you did a good job putting the tree in the stand" and "You do such a good job with that ribbon". Christmas music in the background a little kiss here a little dance around the room with Josh.... Can you picture the fun that we are having????

The tree is complete. She looks beautiful. We all sat just admiring our new addition to the family.

So the night continues, we have company, the babies for whatever reason could not get to bed. So finally at 1:00 Matt and i went to bed. We were just about to fall asleep when all the sudden we hear a large crash downstairs. A bad feeling came over me. It happened. She fell over.
i mean to tell you our most wonderful tree just fell flat on her beautifully decorated side.
Were talking water all over the floor, ornaments busted, lights all tangled up, and our star.....the star had fallen off the tree. What in the world?????

So my husband, being the brilliant man that he is decides that this is not going to happen again. So he decides that he is going to tie our Christmas tree- the Dean family tree to the window. Hillarious!!!

So we have a tree, and she's leaning a little to the left, and she's got a few branches missing and broken.
But you know what?? She's our tree.
We sought after her, we picked her from the $20.00 dollar pile, we brought her home, we cleaned her up, and we're proud of her.
And i can promise you one thing about our tree.....She's not going anywhere!!!!
Unless our window breaks, she's stable!

So why am i telling you this story?? From one tree owner to another....Merry Christmas and keep your tree happy!!!

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He is so hot!
And i'm not talking about the turkey!

Tom the Turkey

2005-11-29T21:34:00.000-08:00

My man can fry a turkey!!!

A Life & Community for the Glory of His Name

2005-11-09T20:56:00.000-08:00

I was looking over the University Baptist Church Website tonight to find out how the community of believers were doing in light of their pastor Kyle Lake (I have spoken about him in a previous blog) having passed away. It's amazing to read the testimonies of God and their community. The following are some verses that were read at the burial. Pretty amazing!

The following ten people were asked to select a scripture verse to read at the burial. The first verse (Acts 17:27) was Kyle's initial benediction when he began preaching until he transitioned a few years ago to the oft-recited "May we love God, embrace beauty, and live life to the fullest." The other nine passages were read from the Message, a translation of the bible from which Kyle enjoyed reading and teaching. Kyle's footprints are all over this congregation and will continue to be!

Acts 17:27 (Wesley Carlin) "In Him, we live, move, and have our being."

1 Corinthians 13:13 (Laurel Linton) "But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."

II Timothy 2:2 (James Nortey) "And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable men who will also be qualified to teach others."

Lamentations 3:21-24 (Meg Robinson) "But there's one thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left."

Ecclesiastes 12:11 (Matthew Bates) "The words of the wise prod us to live well. They're like nails hammered home, holding life together. They are given by God, the one Shepherd"

Psalm 34:17-19 (Jordan Browning) "Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you. If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath. Disciples so often get into trouble; still, God is there every time."

II Corinthians 4:16-18 (Lacy Urbantke) "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

Colossians 3:14-17 (Valerie Targhetta) "Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ - the Mesage - have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives - words, actions, whatever - be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way."

1 Peter 1:3-5 (Harris Bechtol) "What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven - and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all - life healed and whole."

1 Corinthians 13:12 (Matt Singleton) "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"

The following is an exert from the last sermon that he wrote. It was read at the funeral. Unbelievable how the Lord allowed Him to say these last words.

Live. And Live Well.

BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply.

Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.

On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.

If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.

Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.

If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.

Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.

If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.

If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well.

At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke.

And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven.

And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift.
-Kyle Lake

Tonight Has Me Thinking

2005-11-03T21:41:00.000-08:00

So tonight has me thinking...pondering.....trying to remember exactly what i just heard so that i can try to put it all together in my head.

There were so many things about tonight that moved me and are bringng me to a place of wanting to really ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to me what he is speaking to my heart.

The prayer meeting before Encounter tonight again was so good. Many tesifying to God's goodnes and many just needing to be prayed for. Big Bruce shared his $11 dollar story- pretty amazing. For the whole story you will have to ask him but the bottom line is that the Lord led him to 1 Kings 11:11. Big Bruce realized that if he was not willing to share Jesus with others, that the Lord would use somebody else.

And then again just like last week the prayer time with the band and speakers was also very rich. Rainere a pastor from Venezuala (He and his wife were at Encounter to share what the Lord was dong in their country) prayed over us and his wife prayed as well. She prayed
"Thank you Lord that all the potential for your glory is already within this generation" Wow what an amazing thought....Christ in you the hope of glory!

Matt again just like last week challenged us to share. I'ts unbelievable to think that there are 940 international students on campus representing 92 countries. I am wondering who is going to take the challenge to share Jesus with these students and to make a global impact by talking to one person. I am wondering how the Lord is going to use my open heart. I found myself hanging on every word that Rainere said desperately trying to hear through his broken english because i knew that the Lord was speaking through him and had much wisdom to impart. "We don't need another (institutional) church we need a body of people who will live out the Kingdom of God and be Jesus to those around them... we need the sons of God to be revealed." Amazing how the Lord had already placed that on our hearts in a sermon Matt spoke on a couple of weeks ago.

As I listen to the Spirit....the presence of God within me.....I sense him saying "I've got a specific calling for your life, a mission and i desire this mission for your life. But if you are not willing then i have someone else who can do it.....but i want it for you. Are you willing? Don't squander the potential that i have for my glory that i have placed within you. I did not place it there to stay, but to be brought out to be manifested for the glory of my name."

Just yesturday i read a quote from David Crowder "Let your calling be centered in your reality not your reality being centered in the voices of others."

I feel as if our calling as a family is rapidly unfolding. We are sensing and feeling that our reality will not allow us to stay in places that do not center us right in the middle of what God is doing in our hearts. Uncomfortable as it may be, i dare not compare it to how uncomfortable and tragic it would be not to be a part of his great movement in our generation. He is King and He is displaying his kingdom all over the place. I desire deeply to be revealed as the daughter of God to a world that is in desperate need of Jesus.

To wait is to become stagnet.......to linger is to become complacent......... To hesitate is to become lukewarm.

I do not know how long my life will be....i have entered into my 2nd quarter of life and already feel as if the days are moving by to fast. I don't just want my days here on earth to whisper the greatness of God, i want them to boldy proclaim and declare His greatness all over the earth.

Matt and i want to leverage our lives for the glory of his name. At the end of our lives we want to be able to say - "Jesus, thank you for accomplishing the mission that you set before us. What an incredible journey it has been!"

What Treasures We Have

2005-11-03T21:29:00.000-08:00

Stretched Out Pajama Pants

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Fun Times!

2005-11-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

Holy Disgust

2005-11-01T21:55:00.000-08:00

I am sure that many of you have heard by now that Kyle Lake the pastor of University Baptist Church in Waco, Texas was electrocuted while performing a baptism Sunday morning. This is the church that David Crowder leads worship for and helped start. He was 3 years older than Matt and I. He is leaving behind a wife, a 5 year old daughter and 3 year old twin boys. I can't begin to tell you how sick I feel inside for his family and community.

This hits home for Matt and I not just because we are around the same age, but because they have the same mission on their hearts that we have on ours- to reach the hearts of college students by God's grace and for his glory.

Tonight I was reading articles and blogs trying to find out the details of the funeral and what took place. I was encouraged by so many of the students that attended the funeral and who were already blogging. But as I was searching I became so disgusted at the many pagans all across the country who have heard about this tragedy and are using this instance to mock God and to make fun of Christians. It really makes me so angry. It is so evil. The enemy is so sickening in his tactics.

I really do not have a lot of words right now to say.... I am still in the moment of disgust.
More and more in the days in which we live the lines are becoming so clear between good and evil.
Choose you this day in whom you will serve.

What was it about Encounter Thursday Night?

2005-10-28T19:54:00.000-07:00

Was it the spirit of brokeness in the prayer meeting before encounter began?

Was it seeing the humility of Rita and the awesome expression of Christ through her leading us in worship?

Was it the boldness in Matt's voice?

Was it the realization that 3,000 people come to know the Lord every hour?

Was it seeing the black girl crying because she had twenty white people lay hands on her and pray for her?

Was it the black guy that Matt called up on stage to be prayed for? I thought the way everyone hugged and embraced him that everyone knew him. Iit was his first night at Encounter.

Was it the row of guys behind me that at first were uncomfortable with the whole prayer thing- and then towards the end they were the ones readily laying hands on those around them to pray?

Was it the girl who I didn't know that came up and prayed over me that God's light would shine in and through me?

Was it the tall guy on the front row with his long arms outstretched in total surrender?

Was it the song "You are my Hero"?

Was it the sweet time of communion?

Leaving in the middle of the communion time was hard for me...... because I knew that the place was going to errupt in a total outburst of praise. And so I hear that it did just that.

But pondering the whole evening on my way home to my babies i kept tring to pinpoint what it was that was so special about Thursday night.

My conclusion:
It was a gift of grace from the Holy Spirit who allowed us to experience to "encounter" Jesus and to give us a glimpse of his empowering ways.

You see.....
It's his way to be broken and spilled out.

It's his way to be humble and its his way to be bold.

It's his way to save people and its way to touch the hearts of those who feel all alone in a crowd.

It's his way to unify his people.

It's his way to get us out of our comfort zones and its his way to teach us how to pray for each other.

It's his way to express his love to us through outstretched arms and it's his way to be all we ever need....to be our hero.

It's totally his way to commune with his people to become one with us.

And its totally his way to cause everything within us to want to praise him in total abandon.

The ways of Jesus are so drawing, so attractive, beckoning me to want more, to need more, to long for more of my hero and all that makes him so good.

I enjoyed experiencing him in such a special way with you.....my community.

Psalm 8:2

2005-10-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

From the lips of children and infants you
have ordained praise because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger. Psalm 8:2

Amazing.......As i stood at the back of the room watching my little two year old raise his hands in worship this verse popped into my head. You see from our limited perspective (all of us who were watching this sweet moment) all we could see was a little boy watching the people in front of him and imitating what he saw. But in the spiritual realm the Lord in His greatness ordained that moment of praise not only for his glory but because of his enemies to silence the foe and the avenger.

That just blows me away! Wow, at how awesome our God is!

Choose Wisely

2005-10-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

Talked with a girl tonight before Encounter who was desperately seeking wisdom on what I thought about her dating a guy who is Muslim.

My heart broke for her because I knew that she really cared alot about this guy and that he cared deeply for her. I gently told her the truth.

I was praying for her the whole time Matt was speaking. For those of you who were not there he spoke on Christian marriage tonight. It was as if he was speaking directly to her.

I want to encourage you girls to be so careful who you date and who you allow yourself to get emotionally involved with. I remember my mom telling me this very thing because it is so easy and so possible to fall deeply in love with a guy that is not best for you.
I fear that is what has happened with this dear girl I am talking about. It is so hard to accept truth when you have already fallen hard. There is so much at stake for not only this girl but for all who are in an unhealthy dating relationship. Your legacy, your children, your grandchildren, and so forth and so on are at stake. As you are reading in community groups- we are a part of a bigger picture. Your life and how you choose matters!! I could not imagine raising my boys with a husband who was not deeply in love with Jesus. I could not imagine sharing my life emotionally, physically, and spiritually with someone who did not believe in Jesus. Please pray for our sister in Christ that she will listen to the Holy Spirit as he has spoken very specifically to her tonight. Pray that she will have the courage to trust Him. Pray that the Lord will pursue the guy that she is dating and bring him to salvation.
Bottom line is that both of them need a revelation of truth.
One for direction and one for salvation.

Back to the message Matt gave tonight-
Submission is a beautiful thing. It is an honor. It is a priviledge.
If he is going to give his life for me- then i am going to follow him wherever he goes.

I could say much more about this but i am getting tired and have a ton to pack for the retreat.

signing off for tonight- deeply burdened

The man of my dreams

2005-10-06T21:36:00.000-07:00

My handsome husband and father of my boys.

Hungry Cowboy

2005-10-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

What do cowboys eat? Hotdogs, cheese, and grapes!

Baby Caleb

2005-10-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

I love being his Mommy!!!!

Brothers

2005-10-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

They are soooo cute!

My Parking Lot Encounter

2005-10-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

So, I had just finished eating lunch with the staff at Cracker Barrel and thought that I would make a quick stop to browse the flea market across the street.

Josh and Caleb are doing great- we're sporting in the double stroller making our way through the isles. Josh and I are having sweet conversations- you know, about colors and toys that we see along the way. I am feeling pretty much like supermom.

I completely had things under control- not to mention the compliments of everyone who passed by me- commenting on my sweet little angels. I was quite the proud mother.

So we are at the back of the store (what used to be a Walmart) and sweet cheeks (Caleb) starts crying. It dawns on me that he's getting hungry and that I don't have a bottle. (This is not a good situation) To make matters worse I didn't have time (b/c Caleb was really getting loud) to stop and buy the toy that Josh was playing with- so I had to take it away from him or chance getting put in jail for stealing a used cash register toy that was $2.00. Honestly this was a hard decision! So wouldn't you know he was not real pleased with my decision. So he started in. Whining and then crying. My little angels- still angels mind you- just not very happy ones.

I am making a mad dash to the car- trying to avoid all the stares from all the people that are now annoyed with me.

Out the front door I go into what felt like 100 degree weather in my sporty double stroller- which at this point I am dreading having to deal with getting it back into the trunk.

Both babies screaming, everyone's burning up, the cars hot, Josh won't sit in his seat, Caleb won't keep his pacifier in his mouth, I can't get the stupid stroller in the trunk and parked across from me is an old beat up van with an old big black woman watching this whole scene.

I am trying my best to get everything packed up in a hurry and she says to me........ (if you have seen the diary of a mad black woman then you've got the right picture in your head)........."Give me one of them babies, it don't look like you know what your doing!"

As if I have time to converse in these moments! Thankfully what she said did not register and I just laughed it off and replied "there just in need of naps".

So I am driving back to the apartment- we still have 15 minutes left to go and yes both babies are now crying at the top of their lungs and it starts to register with me what she actually had the audacity to say to me! The nerve!!

Again here I am with a very crucial decision to make. Do I continue on my way home to find some relief from all of the crying or do I go back to the parking lot, make that woman get out of her car and show her what a mad white women looks like!!

Needless to say the old dead April was wanting to raise up out of the coffin!!

Fighting, stealing- I know all shocking to you, I am sure.

So I carried on my way, stressed out to say the least, vowing never to go on anymore outings with the children again.

Caleb got fed and Josh found a different toy and took a nap.
I however was reaching my limit of stress.
My previous days had been much the same, minus the dear woman, bless her heart.

My wonderful husband had been sensing a little edge on the mother of his children and thankfully decided that it was time to intervene. So this morning he told me that he would keep the little cherubs until 12:00 so that I could get out all by myself. FREEDOM!!!

I was out of the house by 8:30.
Shopping and a pedicure did just the trick!
It's amazing- you will see when you become mommies- 3 hours of alone time out of the house will last you about 3-4 weeks of not having any time to yourself.

12:00 came around and I couldn't wait to get home to my 3 men, ready to engage their hearts, and to be wife and mommy again.

So where was Jesus in all of this??
in every little detail.

-He was at lunch with the staff allowing me to have great fellowship and conversation.
I needed that.

-He was at the flea market with me watching me enjoy the "hunt for a treasure"
He knows that I love that.

-He was there when the babies started crying and heard me whisper
"Jesus please get me out of hear as fast as possible"

-He was there in the parking lot when I was completely stressed and he heard the words that the enemy tried to use to crush my spirit through an innocent bystander who had no idea how the enemy was intending to use her to steal my joy.

-He was there in the car on the ride home when I lost it with Josh and yelled back at him trying to get him to cooperate. He was there to quickly and gently remind me that his power is perfected in my weakness. And right then and there I was weak. He was there in the car accepting my confession of weakness and he responded when I asked him to be tenderness through me to my sweet baby boys who were incredibly needy.

-He was a husband to me through Matt who saw my need to get away and to be alone.

-He was there at the nail salon asking me to pray for the Vietnamese people doing my nails who had shrines to Buddha.

-He was there when I went shopping and again enjoyed watching me get excited about all the sales that I found.

-He was there in the dressing room encouraging me in the things that fit and also letting me know that it was ok when things did not.

-He was in the car ride home welling up inside of me excitement to see my family and confirming that he would do it all through me.

So there you have it. My encounter in the parking lot.

I am discovering that the bottom line is this:

He is everything to me! He IS life! Nothing makes sense without him. If he's not in every detail of my life then I want to cease to exist! I need to know that there's a bigger picture and I need to know that He's it!

signing off for tonight..........Life as he lives it

2005-09-29T21:23:00.000-07:00

It was so much fun hearing Matt speak tonight. I cannot reiterate how important it is to choose who you date wisely. Your heart is at stake- guard it with everything you have for it is "the wellspring of life". Your ability to embrace Jesus as your groom will be highly affected if you engage your heart in relationships that do not point you to him. i speak from experience when i warn you of these things. My deepest desire in life is to know Jesus. For many years i struggled to embrace him as my groom because of my scewed vision of what i had previously experienced. Some of my biggest insecurities came from allowing myself to be in unhealthy relationships. The baggage as Matt was talking about followed me, weighed me down, and kept me from experiencing the abundant life that the Lord had for me. Many of you know what i am talking about. Through many tears, and hard moments the Lord gently healed my wounds and i am free. There is no longer any guilt or shame associated with my memories. The baggages that were once there- i left them behind and now they only serve as a monument in time reminding me of the grace of God in my life to heal me of my wounds and to free me from my bondage. So in light of what i am writing to you......choose wisely.

A verse that i have been pondering is:
zech 2:8
"For whoever touches you touches the apple of his eye"

Pretty amazing.

i am asking Father what does it mean to touch the apple of his eye???
In some commentaries it talks about the apple of the eye being the cornea. This is the most important part of the eye. We have our vision because of the cornea.
Pretty interesting.

As i think about these things, Father keeps bringing to mind my baby boys. Theres not a moment that goes by when they stray from my vision. The vision of my heart. I can't do anything without them coming to my mind. My affections for those little guys is always at hand overwhelming my heart with joy and my eyes with tears at any drop of a hat.
Father is reminding me that it is much the same with him.
Wow.......

I cannot tell you the feelings that well up inside of me thinking of anything or anyone who might come against, touch, or harm my boys. i am ready to do whatever it takes to stop what might come there way- even if it means giving my life.

I am starting to grasp the answer to my question.
This verse speaks volumes to my heart. Many times when i feel under attack- the enemy would have me believe that i am all alone and that i have to figure out the spiritual formula to get out. God in these moments feels far away. Feeling all alone in the battle is not a good place to be.
For me this verse exposes the lies of my honest but faulty mentality.
How crafty is the enemy to want to isolate us during his onslaught.

"He who touches you, touches the apple of his eye"
Truth sets me free.

Thank you Holy Spirit for allowing me to glimpse your heart tonight...... thank you for fighting for me.....thank you for not leaving me alone.....thank you that i am affectionetly in your vision.

signing off for tonight...... the apple of His eye.

2005-09-28T22:30:00.000-07:00